Then and Now
It appears to me that the older I get the more I
experience curmudgeonly days. It should
only get easier with age, no?
With my first book in print now, I find myself
caught in the proverbial “deer in the headlights” situation.
Life should be simple at once: I said what I wanted to say therefore I should
just go back to my blank page and start filling it with my next cluster of thoughts,
imagination, memories, fantasies etc.
Alas, my perception of life and art, knowing how
art imitates life, is slightly askew lately. I have always had a knack for tailoring
byzantine crafted plots around every awake moment but this time it goes further
than that. I find my expectations of myself
are far higher and I have less and less tolerance for what I perceive as linear
thinking.
I find a reason to set my hurdles each and every
day. It starts every morning with the
white, empty page on my computer and it is shortly followed by my own shrewd annoyance
at my lack of great ideas.
Daily, most
banal incidents : coffee beans spilling all over the counter, endless psychotic
calls to outsourced services ; sluggish checkout
lanes run by insipid , bored teenagers annoy me and test my neurosis .In addition to
that, the absence of my muse sends me in
a psychological fetal position .
I know, I possess the same greed needed to absorb
the enchantment of the world but I see less of the sharp awareness of my exact role
in it.
What happened?
Where did I lose my brightness? How
come I complicate things so much right now, when it should all be very simple. Where can I look to find the way it all began? I strive to find my way every day, yet I seem
to miss.
Could it be that I am empty now? Or maybe I am lost?
You're probably experiencing the 'how can I top my first book' syndrome, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Consider what you are feeling as character inspiration rather than creator desperation.
Write about the concerns you have, and apply them to a character who is going through a troublesome period in their life. If you can't magpie ideas from yourself, then who can you get inspiration from?
It's also important to remember that even the names who appear in the press all the time have exactly the same worries as you do. Do you really believe that J.K. Rowling doesn't get panic attacks when she finishes a book? 'Course she does.
It amused me no end when I found out that an apparently confident and popular television presenter went into their changing room before filming to throw up. Every. Single. Time. The only way to beat your fears is to confront them.
I hope you can get over this minor stumbling block. It may feel like a big deal at the moment, but in six months you will be writing away, wondering what the hell you were so worried about.
Best of luck.
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Yes, you are absolutely right. I am discovering stage fright where before I was oblivious to the exposure. I used to write only for myself but now I feel the pressure of an audience, be that a very small audience if any at all..
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I think you're seeing a little more clearly and are impatient with trivia. There are things that waste your time. There are mundane things that are uninspiring. There are people leading unexamined lives...and they're in the way. Embrace your inner curmugeon.
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I am Ken, I am enjoying ‘being a curmudgeon maybe a little too much. I guess if I start collecting cats then there’s a problem, otherwise forward we go
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